That time I said “fuck off” to my flu shot and became “Coma Sue”

When I woke up from the coma I had no idea how much time had passed nor was I really aware of how I landed myself in the Cleveland Clinic ICU.The last thing I knew I had Tony take me to a Lake Health hospital. I had flu like symptoms and told them I was going to pass out. They checked my oxygen; 68%. They immediately put me on oxygen with a c-pap machine. I had cold air blowing at the back of my throat, what little breath I had was taken away from the force of the air rushing into my face. They took x-rays of my lungs. The doctor grabbed his chest and almost fell back. All he saw was pure white. I was drowning. Severe pneumonia. I wanted a drink of water. The nurse sternly said, “if you take the oxygen off your face you’re going to die!” I remember thinking, it’s just a drink of water, this woman didn’t have to be a bitch. 

Even after their reactions to my state, even after what this woman explicitly told me I would die, the severity of this situation did not phase me. I blame my delusions on my fever. 

She said, “we are going to intubate you, do you have any family?” Again, red flags everywhere and I was oblivious. She called my husband. His heart sank and he rushed back to the hospital. By then, I was intubated, and he was unable to see me. I was being life flighted to Cleveland Clinic’s main campus ICU. 

Everything that happened from March 12 through April 3rd I was intubated in a medically induced coma completely unaware of my own state. Anything I know from that period of time was shared with me in pieces after I woke up. 

I was in complete heart and lung failure, they called it Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome or ARDS. I had an array of complications that come with being intubated. I was too fragile to be in a feeding tube. I was too fragile to be touched. I had a high fever tipping 104 and maintained said fever for over 40 days. I had allergic reactions and was covered in blisters. I had to be kept on ice. I didn’t have a bowel movement for weeks which caused serious gastrointestinal issues. I was literally on my deathbed. The doctors did not shield my family from the reality. They were clear, I did not have a good chance of living. Prepare for the worst. 

When I woke up, I had a hole in my neck. I never thought I would get a tracheostomy at 31 years old. I could not speak, not even whisper. No air passed through my mouth. I could not ask questions or say I love you. I could not walk. 

I couldn’t eat, and even if I was allowed to eat I couldn’t feed myself because that required lifting my arm and holding a fork, which was impossible. I was not strong enough to put my own hair in a ponytail. I could not wipe my own ass. I tried to motion for a paper and pencil and after a few failed attempts at understanding me, the nurse finally brought me paper and a pencil. I could not grip my fingers to hold the pencil nor hold up my arm. My efforts were futile. I could not communicate. 

I was burning up but no one seemed to care. They wrapped me in blankets and I felt like I was entombed in cement. Sweating, I couldn’t lift my legs to kick off the blankets. My feet were wearing shoes made of wet sand. I had nightmares I was zip tied to a chain link fence baking in the sun with buzzards flying overhead. My fever never subsided. 

I was told later that I had to be life flighted where I was strapped to the gurney so tightly that I have permanent nerve damage in my legs and groin. Not only did life flight sue me for their bill, but they also permanently caused physical damage to my body. 

Mostly I worried about my son. Would he even remember me, is he okay? What went through his mind being separated from me? Who made his food? Who tucked him in? Who told him that I loved him and I was fighting for him? 

I can only imagine the ups and downs that went through the minds of my family members, especially my husband. But also my siblings and my dad. It was not but 10 months after losing Granny, and 2 years since losing mom. We had already suffered so much.  

When the doctors first admitted me they had all kinds of questions for my husband trying to figure out the cause of my illness. I was not a smoker, I was in good health, I just had what seemed like a bad cold that wouldn’t go away. I had a fever, cough, headache and bodyache for 6 days before I went to the ER. Test after test after test. After weeks they decided to do a third test for the H1N1 swine flu. The test had come back negative twice before. They explained that they had gotten negative results with other patients that turned out to be positive with an additional test. H1N1 is a sneaky bitch it what they were saying. Sure enough I tested positive for the H1N1 swine flu. 

I do not feel sorry for myself, nor do I want you to feel sorry for me. I am not telling you this for pity, I am telling you this because this was the scariest thing my family has ever experienced. I am not naive to the fact that we all have an expiration date, it’s just that, my life has really just begun, my career was going well, my son was three years old, and I had solid plans to continue to have a wonderful marriage to an amazing man. It would not be ok if I were to die. Tragic. Heart wrenching. Destructive. Harrowing. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! 

There are many factors that saved my life. The amount of prayers and kind thoughts I received was uplifting. Prayers saved me. The nurses saved me. The doctors saved me. My husband talking to me everyday, playing music for me, reminding me that I am strong and I will wake up kept me alive. The perfect amount of meds kept me alive. The doctors started me on Tamiflu, I went on antibiotics, I was put on ice, they paralyzed me so I would stop trying to fight the machines, ketamine was a favorite of mine. There are so many factors to what saved me. The people around me, young and old, were not so lucky. I was the only one that survived this illness in March and April of that year in the ICU. Luck, prayer, love. I am here. Do not let this happen to you. There is one little thing that would have saved me from all this…

I was explicitly told if I were to have had my flu shot, I would not have been so severely sick. I would not have landed in the ICU in complete heart and lung failure if I would have just gotten that damn flu shot. 

Here are a few things to note: 

The flu shot does not make you sick. if you get severely sick after the flu shot it means you contracted something BEFORE you got the shot. It takes 1-2 weeks for a sickness to incubate and manifest in your system. 

You might have a small reaction like itching, soreness, and redness at the site of the injection. However it will only last a day or two, some have no reaction whatsoever. 

You may feel funny or weird but this is your body creating antibodies to fight the flu should you contract it. 

The flu shot is making you a superhero against this deadly virus. 

Get your damn flu shot.  

With Love,

Amanda