Freedoms, Joys and Only Boys; A Case for My Singleton
Being a mom means dealing with mom guilt. For moms of more than one child, it’s “mom guilt multiplied.” For moms of an only child, it’s “mom guilt amplified.” Regardless of what we call it, mom guilt can wreak havoc on our minds from time to time. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t at every turn in today’s world. I’m here to say, let’s let go of that guilt together.
I want to dedicate this post to my biggest source of guilt: having a singleton.
The most common things people say to me when they learn Enzo is an only child:
“I could never do that to my child.” – Um, okay, as if having just one is some form of abuse or neglect that is ruining him for life. And what if this isn’t a choice?
“A child like that…” – A child like what, exactly?
“I feel so sorry for him. Isn’t he lonely?” – Please, do not pity him.
“Aren’t you bored?” – More like… grateful.
Through my reading on raising an only child, I’ve found that people most commonly think only children are any of the following: lonely, spoiled, selfish, oddballs, loners, permanent misfits, ill-adjusted, over-privileged, autonomous, aggressive, peculiar, or know-it-alls. This is their reputation. But why?
Lauren Sandler notes in her book One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One that psychologist Toni Falbo used the words “lonely, selfish, and maladjusted” in her study Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children. The problem with this study is that it was conducted on a small number of children in 1896! Large families were necessary at the time, but let’s be real—it’s 2020. We no longer need children to tend cows, sow fields, or help raise siblings while baking bread and washing clothes. We aren’t dying of typhoid or drowning while crossing rivers with oxen. Technology has evolved, and priorities have changed. Beyond that, studies from that time were rife with personal bias and poor research practices. Nonetheless, the “lonely, selfish, maladjusted” only child became a persistent stereotype.
When I think about only children in the media, I picture characters like Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th and Norman Bates in Psycho. I also think of Veruca Salt’s infamous musical number in Willy Wonka—“I don’t care how, I want it NOW!” And who can forget Eric Cartman, the cheesy-poof-loving singleton from South Park? All of them fit the list of characteristics associated with only children. Is the only child a villain?
If Enzo ever feels sad about being an only, I can remind him that Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, and even Iron Man are all only children. I can only hope he uses his privilege for the good of humankind, just as these superheroes do. The funny thing is, he likes being an only child.
What the studies now say…
Lauren Sandler notes in her book that researcher Ann Laybourn published a paper, Children and Society, in 1990, which found that singletons—even those from disadvantaged backgrounds—performed similarly or better than children from two-child families in both behavioral and educational assessments.
When it comes to educational assessments, I don’t give them much thought. I ask myself: regardless of the number of kids in the house, how much is education valued? I’m less worried about IQ or test scores and more focused on sociability and emotional well-being.
There’s one “sleeper” study I value more for those who worry about singletons. Sandler also highlights Norman Fenton’s 1928 study, which found that singletons scored more favorably in both generosity and sociability—traits often believed to be lacking in only children. Moreover, he found that singletons are more likely to be truthful, show greater initiative, possess leadership abilities akin to firstborn children, and exhibit a stronger sense of self-assuredness. This gives me hope because these are the traits I see in my little one.
But…
New studies don’t seem to make much difference in changing the bias against only children. Sandler calls singletons the “Unteachable Eagle.” People will think what they want, and across America, singletons will continue to be judged for being onlies. It’s a different story in other countries, but I’ll stick to the U.S. here. For now, the only child will remain a “loner” without the benefit of the doubt.
So what’s a singleton mom to do ?
Make the best of it . . . duh!
Forget what everyone thinks about him being an only and prove to myself happiness, kindness, and success do not hinge on how big one’s family is.
These are our freedoms…
More time with him instead of splitting it. We go to the zoo, the park, the ice cream shop, we ride bikes—and we do it quickly, easily, and without more worry or hassle than you could ever imagine.
More time with my husband. We only have to pay a babysitter for one. When it’s bedtime (8 p.m.), it’s bedtime for Enzo, and we get a good, solid few hours together. Every day!
Only one bedtime routine. It was a long, drawn-out process at one time: a show, a snack, a song, brushing teeth, a story, special lights, and three kisses (including one on his forehead because he demanded it).
When diapers were over, they were over! Holla!
More independence to foster my identity outside of motherhood. It exists, people.
Being a happy mom means a higher chance of having a happy child.
Home economics $$$ is saved at every corner. More time for vacations and a backyard oasis, although most of our extra money goes to our pet menagerie. One can only hope their son becomes a veterinarian.
I can tell him he’s my favorite—guilt-free.
I don’t have to worry multiplied by each child I have. It’s all bundled into one. Haha.
These are our joys…
The three of us have a very strong bond.
No sharing of immediate stuff, no complaining about hand-me-downs, no splitting rooms. He is responsible for all his things.
Higher motivation, apparently. He is focused on his short-term goals. He voluntarily helps clean his classrooms at school. Motivation to not pee on the toilet seat must come later?
He can keep himself occupied and is happy to have alone time. He even asks for it, and that cracks me up.
He’s a very positive kid. He sees the bright side of things, which results in fewer tantrums.
As he gets older, he will choose his family. His friends will be his family, and he will have healthier relationships with them because they are his by choice.
We choose his family too. Our friends become our family, and they become his family. He has a ton of aunties and cousins.
He is very controlled in his emotions and communicates his feelings with his words.
Less laundry, fewer grocery bills, less toothpaste, and less pee all over the bathroom.
This post is me being grateful for what I have and reflecting on that. I am not saying my life is better because I have one child. I believe your life should look the way you want it to look, and all the more peace and love to each of us for that.
It has taken me some years to get used to the idea of having one child as a choice we’ve made—and one we cannot take back. I hope everyone’s families can look the way they want them to. I hope your family is as big or as small as you’ve ever dreamed it would be.
Famous singletons include:
Lance Armstrong, Natalie Portman, FDR, Daniel Radcliffe, Robert De Niro, Robin Williams, Ansel Adams, Alicia Keys, Carol Burnett, Betty White!, Christina Applegate, David Copperfield, Elvis Presley, Ezra Pound, Frank Sinatra, Sir Isaac Newton, John Lennon, James Dean, St. John the Baptist, John Updike, Leonardo da Vinci, Mahatma Gandhi, Matthew Perry, and Samuel L. Jackson. There’s someone for everyone on this list.
I doubt I’ve changed your mind, though. Lol.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Amanda